Amadou Diallo Shooting Tofu Scramble Burrito

On February 4, 1999, four plainclothes policemen murdered an unarmed 23-year-old Guinean immigrant in the Bronx. Amadou Diallo ran up the outside steps to his apartment door after four plain-looking white dudes "loudly identified themselves as NYPD officers" (i.e., "Stop, NYPD!"). No shit he did. Diallo pulled his wallet out of his pocket, which one of the officers proclaimed was a gun (he apparently needed his contacts prescription updated). The hysterical goon then tripped backwards off the step, which his fellow officers took to mean he'd been shot (they apparently needed cochlear implants). The police fired 41 bullets, hitting Diallo 19 times. If you aren't already clutching your head, get ready. "The internal NYPD investigation ruled the officers had acted within policy, based on what a reasonable police officer would have done in the same circumstances with the information they had" (emphasis added). What is this, the metaphysics of color perception? An unarmed guy got shot at 41 times at close range. I'm sure you know how this ended, but here goes anyway. After a grand jury in the Bronx indicted the officers on charges of second-degree murder and reckless endangerment (i.e., justice), an appellate court ordered a change of venue to Albany, where the officers were acquitted (i.e., injustice). I'm not even gonna bother quoting NWA.

I made this burrito on the suggestion of my friend C.

serves: 3-4

prep. time: approx. 25 min.

INGREDIENTS

tortilla

1 lb. extra firm tofu, crumbled or cubed

1 Field Roast chipotle sausage, chopped

1 crown broccoli, chopped

1 small yellow onion, sliced

1 jalapeno, diced

1/2 pint grape tomatoes, halved

1/4 c. nutritional yeast

soy sauce

turmeric

cumin

DIRECTIONS

1. Saute the tofu and onion in oil over medium-high heat, stirring occasionally.

2. Once the tofu is browned, add the broccoli and Field Roast and jalapeno. Douse with soy sauce.

3. After the broccoli has turned bright green, season and coast with nutritional yeast.

4. Heat the tomatoes just long enough to soften the skin.

5. Wrap up in a tortilla with guacamole, salsa, and/or nondairy sour cream (e.g., Tofutti).

Elk Cloner Bashers and Mash

On January 30, 1982, Rich Skrenta wrote the first self-replicating program, or "computer virus," as it came to be called. He was 15. The virus wasn't malicious; it displayed the following poem every 50th time an infected Apple II computer rebooted:

Elk Cloner: The program with a personality

It will get on all your disks
It will infiltrate your chips
Yes, it’s Cloner!

It will stick to you like glue
It will modify RAM too
Send in the Cloner!

Don't add Earth Balance to the potatoes like I did.

serves: 1-2

prep. time: approx. 20 min.

INGEDIENTS

4 red potatoes, quartered

2 handfuls brussels sprouts

1 Field Roast sausage

nutritional yeast

almond milk

DIRECTIONS:

1. Cover the potatoes with water in a small pot. Bring to a boil. Boil until tender (but not overdone).

2. Preheat the oven to 400F. Toss the brussels sprouts in olive oil and bake until they turn bright.

3. Fry the sausage in a bit of oil over medium heat.

4. Drain the potatoes. Place back in the pot and mash with some mylk, nutritional yeast, salt, and pepper.

Nick and Rocco Memorial Fettuccine

I am interrupting normal programming to make you cry. Today, Vegansaurus posted an incredibly sad story about Nick Santino, who committed suicide after being pressured to put down his rescued pit bull, Rocco. I am crying.

serves: 1 (or 2, if you don't have an inexplicably, temporarily massive appetite)

prep. time: approx. 20 min.

INGREDIENTS

1/2 lb. tomato basil fettuccine

1 Field Roast sausage, chopped (chipotle variety, as it turns out my dad bought for my stay, very thoughtfully and tastefully but to the disadvantage of this dish)

1/2 bundle of rapini (aka broccoli rabe), leaves only

1 small yellow onion, sliced

3 cloves garlic, sliced

handful pine nuts

2 sprigs fresh dill, chopped

olive oil

salt

DIRECTIONS

1. Boil the pasta for 3 minutes, nevertheless overcooking it.

2. Saute onion in a large pan over medium-high heat. Once translucent, add sausage and dill.

3. After five minutes or so, add pine nuts, garlic, and rapini. Lower heat and cover, until rapini is wilted.

I'm not subtle enough to make good pasta dishes.